i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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