My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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