at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Drunk is not a location!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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