I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
