i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
