Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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