so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
