If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize