My nipple is on Facebook.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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