I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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