i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dicks are not precious.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
