I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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