Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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