so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Come on in and take your pants off
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