i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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