haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
