I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize