Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
