That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
