I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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