Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
