I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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