My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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