Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
