a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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