Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
