I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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