I cockslap morals
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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