is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize