Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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