I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
