He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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