Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize