i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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