I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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