The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
