Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
