New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize