Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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