Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
