apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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