One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
