Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
