At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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