I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
