You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
