Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
