If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
