The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
