My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
