In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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