i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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