you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
