was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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