Cold hands, warm shart.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
