he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
