she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
