i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
