I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
