that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
