you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
there is puke in my bra ... again
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