I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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