finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
A+ Viking dick
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
